Posts tagged ‘Stupid’

July 14, 2013

Sharknado: Everything that’s wrong with society in one made-up word

by Me

Sharknado. Or perhaps we should write it, #Sharknado.

If you have zero idea what a sharknado is, count yourself lucky and click away, dear reader — click away and save your very soul.

Still here? OK…

“Sharknado” is, assuming you don’t already know and are a weird, masochistic glutton for cultural punishment, a SyFy channel original movie in which, thanks to the help of a massive storm, thousands of man-eating great whites come raining down, mouths agape, upon an unsuspecting populace.

Really.

Here at DTOTW, we believe this heralds the coming of the apocalypse. When the trailer, below, premiered Twitter was, well, all a-twitter with the news. The story was covered by National Public Radio, among other respectable news outlets. Will Wheaton got into the act, as did Newark, N.J. Mayor Cory Booker.

Sharknado is a designed-to-be-bad movie featuring terrible actors — all apologies to Ms. Tara Reid, whose recent portrayal of Lady Macbeth at London’s Globe theater we heard was positively divine (not really). And yet folks — intelligent, successful, talented people (some of them, anyway) — line up to be a part of the fun.

The movie will do very well. People will tune in by the millions, knowing full well that it’s going to be unwatchable.

Now, we are not the first to suggest that filmmakers are following the “Snakes on a Plane” formula, combining two frightening things into one horrible amalgam of idiocy.

But “Snakes on a Plan” should have been the end. When, dear God, will it stop? Tarantulacane? ZombieNaziquake (in which the ground opens up to allow swarms of zombified Nazis the chance to take over San Diego)?

Now, the odd thing is, a sharknado is a real possibility. Not likely, per se, but possible. It has happened. There is, for example, a town in the Philippines that dealt with a rain of fish as recently as last year. Hell, there’s a burg in Honduras that has an annual festival devoted to fish-rain.

And, lo, the people gazed toward Heaven as the rivers ran with maple syrup and fish did fly as birds, and the people knew the end was nigh.

 

June 20, 2011

Hackers hit dating site with the ugly stick

by Me

Here’s a case where hackers did something positive.

Website hacks have become ever more prevalent these days. Lulzsec, for example, is credited with cracking the CIA’s site (and no, not the Culinary Institute of America) as well as PBS’ website.

If you look like this, don't bother dating at all. Unless you can find an enchanted princess chained to a rock by a dragon and who, therefore, can't run away.

You could make a case that throwing a thorn into the side of national security and public broadcasting is not that nice. But, according to media like The Guardian, among others, a group of hackers infiltrated Beautifulpeople.com and let 30,000 ugly faces in the front door.

In case you don’t know, Beautifulpeople.com is a dating site that relies on no fewer than three mortal sins — lust, pride and greed. In order to be accepted, a potential dater must be rated as beautiful, and the site itself boasts thousands of people rejected for not being pretty enough.

And it doesn’t end there — last year, 5,000 people were kicked off the site after Christmas when they appeared to have gained some weight.

Really.

Then the hackers opened the door.

“We got suspicious when tens of thousands of new members were accepted over a six-week period, many of whom were no oil painting,” managing director Greg Hodge told The Guardian.

Upwards of 30,000 “ugly” people were let in the door, many of whom were then kicked out, costing the site tons of cashola.

This is Monica Hansen, Miss Norway. Apparently all Norwegian women look like this.

Oh, by the way, the virus was called “Shrek,” after the animated ogre who proves that looks don’t matter.

Interestingly, it matters where you’re from. Swedes are the most represented nationality on the site, as are Norwegians. Brits, Irish and Americans, apparently, need not apply.

God bless those hackers. Score one for the homely.

June 4, 2011

The evils of marijuana

by Me

We’re sort of apolitical here at Dumb Things of the Week. We don’t take stances on anything but idiocy, an issue about which we feel passionately.

So while the Connecticut State Senate is debating a bill that would decriminalize small amounts of marijuana, we’re not going to say ye or nay — nobody cares what we think, anyway.

REEFER MADNESS!!!!

And Sen. Toni Boucher has a right to her opin- no, wait, no she doesn’t. She should have no right to voice an opinion based on stupidity and misinformation.

During her drearily long speech on the floor of the Senate, using as much hyperbole and misinformation as there are characters in the Chinese alphabet, she spoke about the evils of marijuana, the terrible havoc it wreaks on unsuspecting children, how it leads to terrible things and how horrible the state will be should the bill pass.

She really did.

In her closing remarks, Boucher said she gets “physically sick when I think about this issue”  and read from an essay by a 7th grade student in New Haven who had been adopted.

This can kill you ... in 80 years or so.

“When I was born my mom had a drug addiction problem,” the kid, who remained nameless, supposedly wrote. He was apparently in and out of foster homes and was lucky enough to find a permanent residence with a loving family only four years ago.

“I don’t ever want to use drugs because drugs took my parents away from me,” he wrote.

Um, Ms. Boucher, can we ask a question? Which drugs? Weed? His parents were unable to take care of him because they smoked too much pot?

Yeah, right.

And, um, Ms. Boucher, can we ask another question? WHYARE YOU READING A 7th GRADER’s ESSAY ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE??

 

Sorry. Just had to vent there. Let’s all calm down with a bit of music.

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May 30, 2011

New York’s Weiner: ‘That’s not my crotch’ – oh, wait, yes it is

by Me

UPDATE: Our crack investigative team has uncovered (well, bad choice of words there) the famous picture Rep. Weiner now admits he sent. For all of you just dying to see it, here it is. But, remember, once seen, it can’t be unseen. You have been warned

 

 

You grow up with the surname “Weiner” and you know you’re going to hear it all. But, one would think, that by the time you’re a married man, a father and a rather well-known congressmen, the weiner jokes would, well, get kind of soft.

In this photo, Rep. Anthony Weiner is not, in any way, showing everybody the size of his penis.

Rep. Anthony Weiner, a New York congressman known for being a bit, shall we say outspoken, says his Twitter profile was hacked when a 21-year-old woman from Seattle received a picture of what purported to be Rep. Weiner’s namesake, according to the New York Daily News.

Now, we here at DTOTW would LOVE to provide that photo to our readers but the post and the photo were taken down immediately after getting posted. Weiner, far from being amused (he should have been flattered — we hear the photo “left little to the imagination” and displayed a quite well-endowed member of congress) seemed initially bored.

Police, take note. This, according to Rep. Weiner, is an artist's rendering of the man who hacked the congressman's Twitter account.

“Touche Prof Moriarity. More Weiner Jokes for all my guests!” he tweeted later.

The Daily News quoted a spokesperson who suggested that the whole incident was a scheme to distract the Weiner-loving populace and that a future lawsuit was not impossible.

The unwitting foil, Gennette Nicole Cordova, said she’s never been to New York or D.C., and has never met the honorable Mr. Weiner.

“All of this is so outlandish that I don’t know whether to be pissed off or amused, quite frankly.” That’s what she said.

What’s the problem? That’s what she said. Really.

On a side note, what’s with Weiner’s allusion to Prof. James Moriarty? Does Weiner stylize himself as a modern-day Sherlock Holmes? does it take a “Napoleon of crime” to hack a Twitter account?

No, Weiner’s ego is probably just a bit larger than the photo phallus he says he did not tweet to the world.

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May 26, 2011

Sex offender busted trolling web in public, next to a cop

by Me

There are those who say that sex offenders suffer from a disease. Then there are those who say that child molesters are the scum scraped from the bottom of some primordial tide-pool and deserve whatever genital mutilation they receive.

Whichever it is, the first rule for any convicted criminal should be don’t get caught again. Go straight. Keep your nose clean. Suffer for your sins.

If California authorities can be believed, Robert Nicholas McGuire didn’t follow that advice. A convicted sex offender, he was arrested after allegedly trolling Facebook on an iPad at an Apple store while standing next to a police officer.

Facebook. THE source for child pornographers worldwide.

He had previously been convicted on a child porn charge, as the Huffington Post reports, and was recognized and followed as he walked into the retail outlet in San Louis Obispo.

So, there he (allegedly) is, trolling for child porn on an iPad in an Apple store, and a cop walks up and starts browsing the computer next to him. The cop pulls up a Megan’s Law website which identifies McGuire and provides a photo.

McGuire, not surprisingly, was arrested. There was little question about his identity, after all.

This is akin to a bank robber walking into a Western Union to case the joint while his picture is hanging up on the wall.

If guilty, you can argue that McGuire is scum — or, you can argue that he’s sick. But you can’t argue with the idea that, as criminals go, he’s more Darwin Award than Professor Moriarty.

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May 24, 2011

‘Hey let’s all get together and breastfeed for mom’s rights’

by Me

It sounds like some sort of weird sexual deviant’s idea of a good time, but it’s not.

No, it’s a matter of freedom of expression, and the right to breastfeed any damn place we choose.

As the Valley Independent reported, a mom from Shelton, Conn. was asked to “cover up” while breastfeeding her child at the Trumbull Mall. A security guard, apparently offended by the sight of a naked breast, asked her to keep her private parts, well, private because as we all know, mall cops are the bastions of decency and morality.

If not them, who?

Of course, mall cops are not real cops, so the poor guy didn’t know that the mom was legally allowed to breastfeed, in public.

What else are malls for?

We grant you, there’s a fine line between a bunch of women taking off their tops and running around yelling hoogah hoogah hoogah and a mother breastfeeding her child. It’s a very fine line indeed, but clearly defined by law.

Don’t take our word for it — CLICK HERE for the real skinny on the subject.

The solution? A “nurse-in.” Here’s a quote from the story: “We’re going to go there, we’ll sit down in the food court and we’ll do what’s meant to be done in a food court — feed our kids.”

That’s right, a bunch of nursing mothers are planning a 1960s-style sit-in with added breastfeeding in protest, perhaps, of the antiquated and holier-than-thou outlooks of mall security guards everywhere.

Eight mothers have already signed up to take part in the milk-based protest.

So, what you’ll have is a bunch of young women taking (parts of) their tops off while their infant children make sucking noises in unison.

In the immortal words of Yakov Smirnoff, what a country!

May 23, 2011

Animals are stupid — vid of the week

by Me

We’re embarking on a new weekly segment we like to call “Animals are Stupid/Kids Are Dumb,” in which each week we’ll bring you a video that displays exactly how much smarter we humans are than our four-legged friends or, alternately, how much smarter adults are than children.

Here’s the first video in the series, showing how something as simple as ice can fool a cat. Enjoy!

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May 22, 2011

Texas: Noodling is OK by us — but bath salts? Hell no

by Me

At some point this week, there was a conversation in the Texas legislature that went something along these lines:

“Hey guys, let’s take a break from all this serious conversation about budgets and shortfalls and boring stuff like that to approve noodling.”

This guy probably lost his watch. Or that engagement ring he was going to give his sweetheart.

“Good idea.”

In Texas, one must assume, nobody asked, “What’s noodling?” The “sport,” and we use the term lightly, is apparently popular enough in the Lone Star State to warrant a serious discussion on the subject in the midst of a heated budgetary battle, as USA Today reported this week.

What, you’re not familiar with the phrase? Well … noodling is an idiotic, albeit ancient, way of catching catfish. You find a hole where the fish live, you stick your arm in the hole, and you wait for the fish to bite.

We here at DTOTW have no problem with ancient ways of hunting. Spears, bows and arrows, well-thrown rocks — these seem reasonable in our eyes. But there has to be a better way to catch a fish then using your own bits and pieces as bait. Until now, the sport has actually been illegal in the state, punishable by a $500 fine.

Imagine, if you will, a pair of cavemen from two different tribes. We’ll call them Caveman A and Caveman B. Far in the distance is a wooly mammoth, such as might feed their respective tribes for weeks. Do they, say, drop a boulder on the thing’s head? No. Throw a few spears and hope for the best? No.

Instead, the line of thinking follows thusly:

Caveman A: “Hey, look at that mammoth.”

Caveman B: “Big sucker.”

Caveman A: “Here’s an idea — go up to the mammoth and make a lot of noise. Then, when the thing charges, you kill it.”

Caveman B: “Great idea!”

Two guesses which tribe ended up living in Texas.

While we at DTOTW are all in favor of canoodling, when it comes to noodling we have to ask — you guys ever heard of a lure?

No, you’re not a real man until you’ve been elbow deep inside a live catfish.

In other Texas-based news, the legislature is, according to several news outlets, just about ready to ban bath salts.

This, however, is not as dumb as it sounds, as we are not referring to the which, milky beads that make bath time so luxurious. There is apparently a hallucinogenic drug known as “bath salts,” though we presume very few women in for a dainty bath get the two confused.

May 19, 2011

CDC warns against zombie attack

by Me

The Centers for Disease Control, is its Public Health Matters blog, has warned against the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, and offered methods of survival.

Really. Here’s what some of what Ali S. Khan wrote for the CDC yesterday:

“The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder ‘How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?'”

The real question is, which is more frightening, zombies or Michael Jackson?

The post goes on to list several common sense ways a zombie apocalypse might be survived, and “double tap,” one of the rules mentioned in the Woody Harrelson flick “Zombieland,” is not mentioned. The CDC tells the zombie-fearing populace to stockpile water, food and first aid supplies, to pick a meeting place and identify emergency contacts among other advice.

OK … so the nation’s top health and safety organization is offering an amusing way to spread the word on what to do during any natural disaster. It’s all a scam — the CDC isn’t REALLY worried about a zombie apocalypse. Khan is just trying to fool us.

“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.”

Of course, this does gloss over the only advice one can give in the event of a zombie attack — run. Well, almost. This is #4 on Khan’s list of things to do in the event of zombies:

“When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

But, Ali, there’s no where to run when zombie attack.

May 17, 2011

Planking: The single dumbest fad. Ever.

by Me

If you needed a reason NOT to lay flat in random places and pictures on the web, you’re probably not the swiftest person out there. But now there’s a reason (other than common sense). It can KILL YOU.

What do you say while you plank? "Yay! We're planking!" doesn't seem to cut it. This picture, by the way, is courtesy of the Brisbane Planking Association, which actually exists (God alone knows why).

Various news outlets are reporting that an Australian man in his 20s fell seven floors while trying to plank on the balcony of a pretty tall building. Perhaps he couldn’t lay flay enough, or maybe the wind caught him. The cops aren’t saying. HERE’S what the Christian Science Monitor reported.

But let’s examine the colossal, gargantuan level of dumbness here, piece by piece. Planking in itself is a pretty darn stupid form of entertainment, ranking way above cow-tipping and just below banging one’s self in the head with a hammer. But, as regular old planking wasn’t good enough for those ca-razy Aussies, this dude had to plank at the top of a tall building.

(Warning: Tasteless joke coming). Of course, after he fell he did the planking thing really well. He couldn’t help but to lay flat — really flat.

Sorry.

Brisbane, where this unfortunate tragedy took place, appears to be a planking hub. There’s actually a Brisbane Planking Association. Really. Here’s its logo:

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