Posts tagged ‘Moronic’

May 26, 2011

Sex offender busted trolling web in public, next to a cop

by Me

There are those who say that sex offenders suffer from a disease. Then there are those who say that child molesters are the scum scraped from the bottom of some primordial tide-pool and deserve whatever genital mutilation they receive.

Whichever it is, the first rule for any convicted criminal should be don’t get caught again. Go straight. Keep your nose clean. Suffer for your sins.

If California authorities can be believed, Robert Nicholas McGuire didn’t follow that advice. A convicted sex offender, he was arrested after allegedly trolling Facebook on an iPad at an Apple store while standing next to a police officer.

Facebook. THE source for child pornographers worldwide.

He had previously been convicted on a child porn charge, as the Huffington Post reports, and was recognized and followed as he walked into the retail outlet in San Louis Obispo.

So, there he (allegedly) is, trolling for child porn on an iPad in an Apple store, and a cop walks up and starts browsing the computer next to him. The cop pulls up a Megan’s Law website which identifies McGuire and provides a photo.

McGuire, not surprisingly, was arrested. There was little question about his identity, after all.

This is akin to a bank robber walking into a Western Union to case the joint while his picture is hanging up on the wall.

If guilty, you can argue that McGuire is scum — or, you can argue that he’s sick. But you can’t argue with the idea that, as criminals go, he’s more Darwin Award than Professor Moriarty.

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May 24, 2011

‘Hey let’s all get together and breastfeed for mom’s rights’

by Me

It sounds like some sort of weird sexual deviant’s idea of a good time, but it’s not.

No, it’s a matter of freedom of expression, and the right to breastfeed any damn place we choose.

As the Valley Independent reported, a mom from Shelton, Conn. was asked to “cover up” while breastfeeding her child at the Trumbull Mall. A security guard, apparently offended by the sight of a naked breast, asked her to keep her private parts, well, private because as we all know, mall cops are the bastions of decency and morality.

If not them, who?

Of course, mall cops are not real cops, so the poor guy didn’t know that the mom was legally allowed to breastfeed, in public.

What else are malls for?

We grant you, there’s a fine line between a bunch of women taking off their tops and running around yelling hoogah hoogah hoogah and a mother breastfeeding her child. It’s a very fine line indeed, but clearly defined by law.

Don’t take our word for it — CLICK HERE for the real skinny on the subject.

The solution? A “nurse-in.” Here’s a quote from the story: “We’re going to go there, we’ll sit down in the food court and we’ll do what’s meant to be done in a food court — feed our kids.”

That’s right, a bunch of nursing mothers are planning a 1960s-style sit-in with added breastfeeding in protest, perhaps, of the antiquated and holier-than-thou outlooks of mall security guards everywhere.

Eight mothers have already signed up to take part in the milk-based protest.

So, what you’ll have is a bunch of young women taking (parts of) their tops off while their infant children make sucking noises in unison.

In the immortal words of Yakov Smirnoff, what a country!

May 19, 2011

CDC warns against zombie attack

by Me

The Centers for Disease Control, is its Public Health Matters blog, has warned against the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, and offered methods of survival.

Really. Here’s what some of what Ali S. Khan wrote for the CDC yesterday:

“The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder ‘How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?'”

The real question is, which is more frightening, zombies or Michael Jackson?

The post goes on to list several common sense ways a zombie apocalypse might be survived, and “double tap,” one of the rules mentioned in the Woody Harrelson flick “Zombieland,” is not mentioned. The CDC tells the zombie-fearing populace to stockpile water, food and first aid supplies, to pick a meeting place and identify emergency contacts among other advice.

OK … so the nation’s top health and safety organization is offering an amusing way to spread the word on what to do during any natural disaster. It’s all a scam — the CDC isn’t REALLY worried about a zombie apocalypse. Khan is just trying to fool us.

“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.”

Of course, this does gloss over the only advice one can give in the event of a zombie attack — run. Well, almost. This is #4 on Khan’s list of things to do in the event of zombies:

“When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

But, Ali, there’s no where to run when zombie attack.

May 17, 2011

Planking: The single dumbest fad. Ever.

by Me

If you needed a reason NOT to lay flat in random places and pictures on the web, you’re probably not the swiftest person out there. But now there’s a reason (other than common sense). It can KILL YOU.

What do you say while you plank? "Yay! We're planking!" doesn't seem to cut it. This picture, by the way, is courtesy of the Brisbane Planking Association, which actually exists (God alone knows why).

Various news outlets are reporting that an Australian man in his 20s fell seven floors while trying to plank on the balcony of a pretty tall building. Perhaps he couldn’t lay flay enough, or maybe the wind caught him. The cops aren’t saying. HERE’S what the Christian Science Monitor reported.

But let’s examine the colossal, gargantuan level of dumbness here, piece by piece. Planking in itself is a pretty darn stupid form of entertainment, ranking way above cow-tipping and just below banging one’s self in the head with a hammer. But, as regular old planking wasn’t good enough for those ca-razy Aussies, this dude had to plank at the top of a tall building.

(Warning: Tasteless joke coming). Of course, after he fell he did the planking thing really well. He couldn’t help but to lay flat — really flat.


Brisbane, where this unfortunate tragedy took place, appears to be a planking hub. There’s actually a Brisbane Planking Association. Really. Here’s its logo:

May 7, 2011

What not to post on Facebook

by Me

Michael P. Adams is probably kicking himself right now, and he deserves every regret-filled smack he gets.

He's smiling because he's been elected governor. Which means he doesn't have to take your crap anymore.

As The Hartford Courant reported, Adams was arrested this week for allegedly posting a threat on his Facebook profile. And he didn’t threaten just anyone, police say. They say he threatened the governor.

According to the Courant, which used a statement from the Connecticut State Police, Adams decided it was a good idea to say on his Facebook page that “he hoped that Governor Malloy [would] be shot by an angry New Yorker during his visit to New York.”

Is that technically a threat? Well, maybe not, but there are some universal although unwritten rules regarding social media, and rule No. 1 is “Don’t say a politician should die.” It’s right up there with “Don’t sell drugs on Twitter” and “Don’t spread child pornography on LinkedIn.” Well, don’t spread child pornography anywhere — but you get the point.

You see, Mr. Adams, as you might have learned in the preceding 36 years, people with virtual (or real) armies at their control, like mayors, governors, presidents and Justin Bieber, don’t take kindly to even vague threats. And social media is, well, social. The two don’t mix.

If you feel like throwing threats out there, try threatening some fictional characters, like “Gee, I wish Holden Caulfield would get stabbed,” or “Somebody should shoot Count Rugen from ‘The Princess Bride.'” Much safer.

But when he puts Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" on the stereo, run.

April 30, 2011

What’s worth $1,000 an inch?

by Me

A portion of the funds needed to build a planned $600 million busway between Hartford and New Britain was approved by the state bonding commission, reports, though it did meet some opposition.

According to The Connecticut Mirror, Sen. Andrew Roraback voiced some concerns over the project, the cost for which the state will foot $113 million.

Though he professed to be “not very good at math,” Roraback, the Mirror reports, said the project would cost $952 per inch of busway.

That, dear readers, is as dumb as it gets. Is the busway to be made out of gold? Will there be wait service and champagne cocktails?

Roraback’s point is well taken, and he wins the award for least dumb legislator (should such an award be created). Just for fun, let’s do the math on some other projects, and see how much they cost on an incremental basis.

Empire State of Inches

– At 1,454 feet, or 17,448 inches from base to lightening rod tip, The Empire State Building cost $40,948,900 to build in 1931. That’s $2,347 per inch in 1931 dollars, or $31,480 per inch by today’s standards.

Big Heads

– Mount Rushmore (the monument, not the 1960s band) features the heads of four U.S. presidents, each head a whopping 60 feet in height. The project cost $989,992 to build, or $4,125 per foot, per head, by 1941 standards, when the monument was completed. Today, each head would have cost $63,176.57 per foot.

Cost per bullet

– According to one blog, the United States fires about 100 million bullets in Iraq in each year, at least as of 2004. The (reverse) Roraback Math Method: A 50-round box of 9mm bullets costs about $9 at Wal-Mart. That’s 18 cents per bullet, or $18,000,000 worth of bullets fired each year in Iraq.

Conclusion? A bit less than $1,000 per inch for a busway seems a steal.

April 27, 2011

The first ever basketball game played on an aircraft carrier

by Me

Talk about dumb.

Michigan State and the University of North Carolina will play, on Nov. 11, the first-ever NCAA basketball game on an aircraft carrier.

And this makes sense how?

Though no ship has been confirmed, it looks like the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan will pay host to the game, intended to honor servicemen and women.

And this isn’t a new idea — the “Carrier Classic,” as the game is being called, has been mulled around since 2009. And in all that time, nobody, not one person woke up one morning and said to themselves, “Wait a minute, Why are we doing this?”

Of all the ways to honor those in the military — oh, I don’t know, like giving them the training, tools and support they need to succeed in their jobs, providing adequate medical care after their tours of duty are completed or (just a shot in the dark here) putting a sensible limit on the number tours of duty one can serve — where does this idea really make it onto the list?

April 26, 2011

Altoona changes its name

by Me

It was reported today that the Pennsylvania city of Altoona will change its name — officially — to “POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.”

Morgan Spurlock, as he is best known.


It’s the title of Morgan Spurlock’s latest film, it’s a commentary on shameless advertising practices and it will only last 60 days, but it’s also the dumbest thing I’ve heard yet today.

If you need to actually change the name of a freaking town to get your point across, maybe it’s not a point that needs to be made.

It’s not the first time a town has changed its name to make a bit of scratch — Hot Springs, New Mexico changed its name to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico a while back, but look how well it worked out for them. Now nobody remembers what the heck Truth or Consequences was (a game show) and nobody’s heading to the town for the pleasant hot springs.

Granted, “Altoona” is a pretty dumb name, too.

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