Posts tagged ‘Idiotic’

July 14, 2013

Sharknado: Everything that’s wrong with society in one made-up word

by Me

Sharknado. Or perhaps we should write it, #Sharknado.

If you have zero idea what a sharknado is, count yourself lucky and click away, dear reader — click away and save your very soul.

Still here? OK…

“Sharknado” is, assuming you don’t already know and are a weird, masochistic glutton for cultural punishment, a SyFy channel original movie in which, thanks to the help of a massive storm, thousands of man-eating great whites come raining down, mouths agape, upon an unsuspecting populace.

Really.

Here at DTOTW, we believe this heralds the coming of the apocalypse. When the trailer, below, premiered Twitter was, well, all a-twitter with the news. The story was covered by National Public Radio, among other respectable news outlets. Will Wheaton got into the act, as did Newark, N.J. Mayor Cory Booker.

Sharknado is a designed-to-be-bad movie featuring terrible actors — all apologies to Ms. Tara Reid, whose recent portrayal of Lady Macbeth at London’s Globe theater we heard was positively divine (not really). And yet folks — intelligent, successful, talented people (some of them, anyway) — line up to be a part of the fun.

The movie will do very well. People will tune in by the millions, knowing full well that it’s going to be unwatchable.

Now, we are not the first to suggest that filmmakers are following the “Snakes on a Plane” formula, combining two frightening things into one horrible amalgam of idiocy.

But “Snakes on a Plan” should have been the end. When, dear God, will it stop? Tarantulacane? ZombieNaziquake (in which the ground opens up to allow swarms of zombified Nazis the chance to take over San Diego)?

Now, the odd thing is, a sharknado is a real possibility. Not likely, per se, but possible. It has happened. There is, for example, a town in the Philippines that dealt with a rain of fish as recently as last year. Hell, there’s a burg in Honduras that has an annual festival devoted to fish-rain.

And, lo, the people gazed toward Heaven as the rivers ran with maple syrup and fish did fly as birds, and the people knew the end was nigh.

 

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January 30, 2013

The kinda dumb story of “the cup song”

by Me

Those of you older than 14 may not have heard the cup song, or heard of “Pitch Perfect.” The story of the cup song is simultaneously a wonderful allegory for the power of social media and the future of music, and proof that kids are, essentially, dumb.

From old-timey country ballad to tween sensation, the cup song has gone through some odd iterations — and most of the thousands of little girls currently annoying their parents by banging cups on desks and tables have no idea of the song’s origins.

This is the cup song, as performed by Anna Kendrick in the film “Pitch Perfect.”

That’s cool. But, wait — there’s this band from across the pond, Lulu and the Lampshades, who did an even better version of it, way, way back in 2009.

And, as Know Your Meme points out, the two, too-cute girls from Lulu got the cup beat from a different YouTube video, published more than a year earlier.

But, long before that — like 90 years before — Mainer’s Mountaineers recorded a country tune called “You’re Gonna Miss Me.”

Knowing the long and tortured history of “You’re Gonna Miss Me” isn’t dumb, and seeing how social media can turn a dusty, half-forgotten country tune into a tween mega-hit is fascinating. Do kids even care that Mainer’s Mountaineers recorded, nearly a century earlier, what would become a bit for Anna Kendrick on David Letterman? Probably not.

UPDATE: As a few commenters (see below) have mentioned, the cup beat portion is far older than we at Dumb Things previously thought.

The classic show “Full House” featured the “cup game” way back in season three, in 1989, as seen in the clip below.

But before that, Christian singer Rich Mullins played the cup game in 1987 to accompany his song, “Screen Door.”

Probably, though, the cup game is older than that. Was Mullins the first? If you know differently, leave a comment.

May 23, 2011

Reporter admits she’s an idiot

by Me

It’s no laughing matter. As the New Haven Register reported, claims of inappropriate punishments spurred an investigation by child services agency DCF.

This woman is a member of the 4th Estate. Or 5th. Oh, I don't know, there's just too much to remember.

So, if you’re a reporter on LIVE TELEVISION, you might want to get the story straight. You might, say, know what the story is about before going on LIVE TELEVISION.

And, if you don’t, you might have to forgive your dreams of being a real reporter and go back to whatever your minor in college was.

UPDATE: As you can see below, YouTube removed the video at WTNH’s request, due to copyright violations. we think this is the absolute dumbest part of this story — a silly video like this, with the right promotion, could have gone viral garnering a heck of a lot of publicity for the channel. Can someone please remind WTNH that there’s no such thing as bad publicity?

We all remember the case of the reporter at the Grammys who suffered a stroke while on LIVE TELEVISION. Here it is again, in case you forgot:

But the reporter for WTNH didn’t suffer a stroke, or suffer from some neurological disorder. No, she just suffered from idiocy.

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May 22, 2011

Texas: Noodling is OK by us — but bath salts? Hell no

by Me

At some point this week, there was a conversation in the Texas legislature that went something along these lines:

“Hey guys, let’s take a break from all this serious conversation about budgets and shortfalls and boring stuff like that to approve noodling.”

This guy probably lost his watch. Or that engagement ring he was going to give his sweetheart.

“Good idea.”

In Texas, one must assume, nobody asked, “What’s noodling?” The “sport,” and we use the term lightly, is apparently popular enough in the Lone Star State to warrant a serious discussion on the subject in the midst of a heated budgetary battle, as USA Today reported this week.

What, you’re not familiar with the phrase? Well … noodling is an idiotic, albeit ancient, way of catching catfish. You find a hole where the fish live, you stick your arm in the hole, and you wait for the fish to bite.

We here at DTOTW have no problem with ancient ways of hunting. Spears, bows and arrows, well-thrown rocks — these seem reasonable in our eyes. But there has to be a better way to catch a fish then using your own bits and pieces as bait. Until now, the sport has actually been illegal in the state, punishable by a $500 fine.

Imagine, if you will, a pair of cavemen from two different tribes. We’ll call them Caveman A and Caveman B. Far in the distance is a wooly mammoth, such as might feed their respective tribes for weeks. Do they, say, drop a boulder on the thing’s head? No. Throw a few spears and hope for the best? No.

Instead, the line of thinking follows thusly:

Caveman A: “Hey, look at that mammoth.”

Caveman B: “Big sucker.”

Caveman A: “Here’s an idea — go up to the mammoth and make a lot of noise. Then, when the thing charges, you kill it.”

Caveman B: “Great idea!”

Two guesses which tribe ended up living in Texas.

While we at DTOTW are all in favor of canoodling, when it comes to noodling we have to ask — you guys ever heard of a lure?

No, you’re not a real man until you’ve been elbow deep inside a live catfish.

In other Texas-based news, the legislature is, according to several news outlets, just about ready to ban bath salts.

This, however, is not as dumb as it sounds, as we are not referring to the which, milky beads that make bath time so luxurious. There is apparently a hallucinogenic drug known as “bath salts,” though we presume very few women in for a dainty bath get the two confused.

May 19, 2011

CDC warns against zombie attack

by Me

The Centers for Disease Control, is its Public Health Matters blog, has warned against the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, and offered methods of survival.

Really. Here’s what some of what Ali S. Khan wrote for the CDC yesterday:

“The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder ‘How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?'”

The real question is, which is more frightening, zombies or Michael Jackson?

The post goes on to list several common sense ways a zombie apocalypse might be survived, and “double tap,” one of the rules mentioned in the Woody Harrelson flick “Zombieland,” is not mentioned. The CDC tells the zombie-fearing populace to stockpile water, food and first aid supplies, to pick a meeting place and identify emergency contacts among other advice.

OK … so the nation’s top health and safety organization is offering an amusing way to spread the word on what to do during any natural disaster. It’s all a scam — the CDC isn’t REALLY worried about a zombie apocalypse. Khan is just trying to fool us.

“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.”

Of course, this does gloss over the only advice one can give in the event of a zombie attack — run. Well, almost. This is #4 on Khan’s list of things to do in the event of zombies:

“When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

But, Ali, there’s no where to run when zombie attack.

May 17, 2011

Planking: The single dumbest fad. Ever.

by Me

If you needed a reason NOT to lay flat in random places and pictures on the web, you’re probably not the swiftest person out there. But now there’s a reason (other than common sense). It can KILL YOU.

What do you say while you plank? "Yay! We're planking!" doesn't seem to cut it. This picture, by the way, is courtesy of the Brisbane Planking Association, which actually exists (God alone knows why).

Various news outlets are reporting that an Australian man in his 20s fell seven floors while trying to plank on the balcony of a pretty tall building. Perhaps he couldn’t lay flay enough, or maybe the wind caught him. The cops aren’t saying. HERE’S what the Christian Science Monitor reported.

But let’s examine the colossal, gargantuan level of dumbness here, piece by piece. Planking in itself is a pretty darn stupid form of entertainment, ranking way above cow-tipping and just below banging one’s self in the head with a hammer. But, as regular old planking wasn’t good enough for those ca-razy Aussies, this dude had to plank at the top of a tall building.

(Warning: Tasteless joke coming). Of course, after he fell he did the planking thing really well. He couldn’t help but to lay flat — really flat.

Sorry.

Brisbane, where this unfortunate tragedy took place, appears to be a planking hub. There’s actually a Brisbane Planking Association. Really. Here’s its logo:

May 16, 2011

Hawking’s not knocking on Heaven’s door

by Me

Stephen Hawking is a pretty smart guy, right? I mean, he’s like super smart. We’re lucky he didn’t become some super villain. So why would he, A. say quite glibly that the afterlife is a fantasy and, B. say that “science will win” against religion?

Recently, The Guardian had a nice interview with this freakishly smart guy, a best selling author and one of the most respected theoretical physicists in or out of a wheelchair. He was quoted as saying that heaven is “a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.

And last year, while out pushing his latest book, he said that “science will win” in a battle with religion, because that question had been dogging mankind for generations. Thanks for settling that, Steve. we thought you might have the answer.

Hawking, apparently taking his cue from Charlie Sheen, pits science against religion in some sort of fantastical grudge match, the outcome of which will be religion’s facing getting smashed by a chair. But before that, he went ahead and said that the afterlife is a fairy tale.

To be fair to Hawking, this is probably comfortable ground for him. He does, after all, deal exclusively with theory — you know, things that can’t really be confirmed. So what’s the difference between say, the assertion that black holes emit radiation and the existence of a heaven?

Both are likely, um, bull flop, and the great thing is neither can be confirmed or denied.

That being said, we at DTOTW feel confident in spreading our own theory about the universe and the afterlife, we just don’t feel like it right now.

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May 12, 2011

Lawmaker, Sen. Prague, gives us a chance to say ‘penis’

by Me

It’s safe to say that state Sen. Edith Prague believes in the death penalty. Emphatically. So much so, in fact, that the tried and arguably true methods of electrocution and lethal injection are far too modest for her standards. Tarring and feathering? For wimps. Having the convict drawn and quartered? Getting closer, but not quite there yet.

See that look in her eye? She's thinking about hanging someone by the penis.

No, as CTNewsJunkie.com reports, when it comes to people like Joshua Komisarjevsky, who allegedly took part in the rape and murder of a family in Cheshire, “they should bypass the trial and take that second animal and hang him by his penis from a tree out in the middle of Main Street.”

Which is an actual quote from an actual state senator in Connecticut.

While we at Dumb Things of the Week condemn Prague’s flagrant lack of respect for the judicial process and her apparent emphatic approval of cruel and unusual treatment — you can’t call being hung by the penis (heh) anything else — we applaud Prague’s complete lack of verbal filters, because  without people like her we’d have nothing to say.

Prague’s comments came in opposition to a bill that would abolish the death penalty, though perhaps it’s necessary to make it totally clear that hanging yet-to-be convicted criminals by their genitals in public is something we, well, frown upon.

Just saying.

UPDATE: Lawyers for Joshua Komisarjevsky have come out against Prague’s, um, suggestion, saying, “She could have simply announced her reversal in a more responsible manner without need for an anatomical reference.”

Read the full story in the New Haven Register by clicking HERE.

May 9, 2011

And now, using only this photoediting software, I will make Hillary Clinton disappear!

by Me

You know that iconic photo of the Situation Room in which the leaders of the free world watched as Osama bin Laden was ushered out of this world?

Oh, you know it — it’s been everywhere. Here it is again.

Is there anything overtly sexual about that picture? If there is, we sure can’t see it, but to some ultra religious zealot newspapers, even the presence of women is too sexual for the front page. Even if it’s Hillary Clinton wearing a suit. Really.

As Yahoo News’ Joe Pompeo reports, one paper in particular, Der Tzitung, thought Hil’s sexual magnetism was so strong, so irresistible, that she had to be Photoshopped out of the picture.

Der Tzitung is an Orthodox Jewish paper, and we want to make a few things very clear. There is nothing wrong with Jewish belief — there’s nothing wrong with belief in general, but specifically, in this case, we want to say loudly and clearly that Orthodox Jewish belief is not a shanda in any way.

But this paper’s use of photoediting to remove the very presence of a woman (actually women — Audrey Tomason, the national director of counterterrorism, was also edited out) is not only scandalous, not only dumb enough to deserve a berth on Dumb Things of the Week, but is predicated on the (probably accurate) idea that its readers live in some sort of woman-free bubble, in which females are relegated to kitchens and bedrooms.

Der Tzitung’s editors assumed, rightly, in all probability, that their regular readers would never see any other reproduction of one of the most iconic pictures of the year. They also assumed, quite wrongly, that nobody outside their insular community would ever catch on.

That, dear readers is dumb as it gets.

UPDATE: The Associated Press reports that the editors of Der Tzitung have apologized for the gaffe.

But here’s the best part of the whole affair: Ignoring the White House’s ban on doctoring photos, various folks around the web have turned it into a meme, editing in other people. Here are some of the best scoured from the web:

May 7, 2011

What not to post on Facebook

by Me

Michael P. Adams is probably kicking himself right now, and he deserves every regret-filled smack he gets.

He's smiling because he's been elected governor. Which means he doesn't have to take your crap anymore.

As The Hartford Courant reported, Adams was arrested this week for allegedly posting a threat on his Facebook profile. And he didn’t threaten just anyone, police say. They say he threatened the governor.

According to the Courant, which used a statement from the Connecticut State Police, Adams decided it was a good idea to say on his Facebook page that “he hoped that Governor Malloy [would] be shot by an angry New Yorker during his visit to New York.”

Is that technically a threat? Well, maybe not, but there are some universal although unwritten rules regarding social media, and rule No. 1 is “Don’t say a politician should die.” It’s right up there with “Don’t sell drugs on Twitter” and “Don’t spread child pornography on LinkedIn.” Well, don’t spread child pornography anywhere — but you get the point.

You see, Mr. Adams, as you might have learned in the preceding 36 years, people with virtual (or real) armies at their control, like mayors, governors, presidents and Justin Bieber, don’t take kindly to even vague threats. And social media is, well, social. The two don’t mix.

If you feel like throwing threats out there, try threatening some fictional characters, like “Gee, I wish Holden Caulfield would get stabbed,” or “Somebody should shoot Count Rugen from ‘The Princess Bride.'” Much safer.

But when he puts Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" on the stereo, run.

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