June 6, 2011

Pennies as protest — or, 2,500 reasons to get arrested

by Me

News media were abuzz this morning with a report that a Utah man paid a disputed $25 medical bill with pennies, and was subsequently arrested and charged with disorderly conflict.

Really.

Fast fact: When Seal Team Six found Osama bin Laden, he was reportedly discovered with literally tons of pennies, just waiting to drop them on an unsuspecting populace.

No, to be clear, he didn’t just pay with pennies — Jason West (no relation to Kanye, we assume) didn’t take the time to roll them into nice little cylinders. No, he walked in, said something along the lines of “Say hello to my little friends” (we hope), and dumped about 15 pounds of pennies on the counter and floor.

The folks at the medical clinic were flabbergasted, to say the least, more than one shouting, “Oh! The humanity!” before collapsing into piles of gurgling piles of flesh (again, we hope).

And, for this reason, West was charged with disorderly conflict.

As for the pennies-to-weight conversion, we checked. Each U.S. penny (post 1982) weighs 2.5 grams, so 2,500 of them equals about 15 pounds.

We also did a bit of other research: We tried to find out what, in 2011, you could buy with a single Lincoln pseudo-copper penny. To help out all the money-conscious out there, we compiled a list (because it is our lot in life to be a salve to those in need). That list is below:

 

 

 

 

 

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June 4, 2011

The evils of marijuana

by Me

We’re sort of apolitical here at Dumb Things of the Week. We don’t take stances on anything but idiocy, an issue about which we feel passionately.

So while the Connecticut State Senate is debating a bill that would decriminalize small amounts of marijuana, we’re not going to say ye or nay — nobody cares what we think, anyway.

REEFER MADNESS!!!!

And Sen. Toni Boucher has a right to her opin- no, wait, no she doesn’t. She should have no right to voice an opinion based on stupidity and misinformation.

During her drearily long speech on the floor of the Senate, using as much hyperbole and misinformation as there are characters in the Chinese alphabet, she spoke about the evils of marijuana, the terrible havoc it wreaks on unsuspecting children, how it leads to terrible things and how horrible the state will be should the bill pass.

She really did.

In her closing remarks, Boucher said she gets “physically sick when I think about this issue”  and read from an essay by a 7th grade student in New Haven who had been adopted.

This can kill you ... in 80 years or so.

“When I was born my mom had a drug addiction problem,” the kid, who remained nameless, supposedly wrote. He was apparently in and out of foster homes and was lucky enough to find a permanent residence with a loving family only four years ago.

“I don’t ever want to use drugs because drugs took my parents away from me,” he wrote.

Um, Ms. Boucher, can we ask a question? Which drugs? Weed? His parents were unable to take care of him because they smoked too much pot?

Yeah, right.

And, um, Ms. Boucher, can we ask another question? WHYARE YOU READING A 7th GRADER’s ESSAY ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE??

 

Sorry. Just had to vent there. Let’s all calm down with a bit of music.

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May 30, 2011

New York’s Weiner: ‘That’s not my crotch’ – oh, wait, yes it is

by Me

UPDATE: Our crack investigative team has uncovered (well, bad choice of words there) the famous picture Rep. Weiner now admits he sent. For all of you just dying to see it, here it is. But, remember, once seen, it can’t be unseen. You have been warned

 

 

You grow up with the surname “Weiner” and you know you’re going to hear it all. But, one would think, that by the time you’re a married man, a father and a rather well-known congressmen, the weiner jokes would, well, get kind of soft.

In this photo, Rep. Anthony Weiner is not, in any way, showing everybody the size of his penis.

Rep. Anthony Weiner, a New York congressman known for being a bit, shall we say outspoken, says his Twitter profile was hacked when a 21-year-old woman from Seattle received a picture of what purported to be Rep. Weiner’s namesake, according to the New York Daily News.

Now, we here at DTOTW would LOVE to provide that photo to our readers but the post and the photo were taken down immediately after getting posted. Weiner, far from being amused (he should have been flattered — we hear the photo “left little to the imagination” and displayed a quite well-endowed member of congress) seemed initially bored.

Police, take note. This, according to Rep. Weiner, is an artist's rendering of the man who hacked the congressman's Twitter account.

“Touche Prof Moriarity. More Weiner Jokes for all my guests!” he tweeted later.

The Daily News quoted a spokesperson who suggested that the whole incident was a scheme to distract the Weiner-loving populace and that a future lawsuit was not impossible.

The unwitting foil, Gennette Nicole Cordova, said she’s never been to New York or D.C., and has never met the honorable Mr. Weiner.

“All of this is so outlandish that I don’t know whether to be pissed off or amused, quite frankly.” That’s what she said.

What’s the problem? That’s what she said. Really.

On a side note, what’s with Weiner’s allusion to Prof. James Moriarty? Does Weiner stylize himself as a modern-day Sherlock Holmes? does it take a “Napoleon of crime” to hack a Twitter account?

No, Weiner’s ego is probably just a bit larger than the photo phallus he says he did not tweet to the world.

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May 26, 2011

Sex offender busted trolling web in public, next to a cop

by Me

There are those who say that sex offenders suffer from a disease. Then there are those who say that child molesters are the scum scraped from the bottom of some primordial tide-pool and deserve whatever genital mutilation they receive.

Whichever it is, the first rule for any convicted criminal should be don’t get caught again. Go straight. Keep your nose clean. Suffer for your sins.

If California authorities can be believed, Robert Nicholas McGuire didn’t follow that advice. A convicted sex offender, he was arrested after allegedly trolling Facebook on an iPad at an Apple store while standing next to a police officer.

Facebook. THE source for child pornographers worldwide.

He had previously been convicted on a child porn charge, as the Huffington Post reports, and was recognized and followed as he walked into the retail outlet in San Louis Obispo.

So, there he (allegedly) is, trolling for child porn on an iPad in an Apple store, and a cop walks up and starts browsing the computer next to him. The cop pulls up a Megan’s Law website which identifies McGuire and provides a photo.

McGuire, not surprisingly, was arrested. There was little question about his identity, after all.

This is akin to a bank robber walking into a Western Union to case the joint while his picture is hanging up on the wall.

If guilty, you can argue that McGuire is scum — or, you can argue that he’s sick. But you can’t argue with the idea that, as criminals go, he’s more Darwin Award than Professor Moriarty.

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May 25, 2011

Legislature OKs cow poop raffles

by Me

Importance, we now know, is relative. For some, the most important this is freedom. For some, that freedom means the freedom to bet on where a cow will poop without the government getting all involved.

Really.

What happens when the cow poops over several sqaures?

The Connecticut legislature this week, while weighing things like subsidized education for immigrants and, you know, boring stuff like that, took the time out to approve a change in how it regulates cow chip raffles.

As the Connecticut Mirror reported, a cow stands on a chalked grid and participants each buy a square. The cow does what cows do best and, depending on where nature calls, you might be a winner.

The best part of this story is how seriously legislators took the debate.

“If you are the person who bought a ticket in a cow chip raffle, you want to know how it’s being played,” Rep. Patricia Widlitz told the Mirror.

Your tax dollars hard at work.

The state statute that will be changed goes as follows: “Each organization intending to sponsor or conduct a cow-chip raffle shall furnish with its application, required pursuant to section 7-173, a cow-chip raffle plot plan displaying the land area to be utilized for such raffle and the numbered plots, each corresponding to a numbered cow-chip raffle ticket.

Which, translated from legalese, means that the state wanted a map of the plot of land on which the cows would poop. The legislature no longer seems to feel that such information is necessary for good governance.

The world’s going to Hell in a hand-basket. What’s next? Rules on duck races? Oh, wait — the same regulation applies there, too:

For the purpose of this subsection, “duck-race raffle” means a raffle in which artificial ducks, numbered consecutively to correspond with the number of tickets sold for such raffle, are placed in a naturally moving stream of water at a designated starting point and in which the ticket corresponding to the number of the first duck to pass a designated finishing point is the winning ticket.”

May 24, 2011

‘Hey let’s all get together and breastfeed for mom’s rights’

by Me

It sounds like some sort of weird sexual deviant’s idea of a good time, but it’s not.

No, it’s a matter of freedom of expression, and the right to breastfeed any damn place we choose.

As the Valley Independent reported, a mom from Shelton, Conn. was asked to “cover up” while breastfeeding her child at the Trumbull Mall. A security guard, apparently offended by the sight of a naked breast, asked her to keep her private parts, well, private because as we all know, mall cops are the bastions of decency and morality.

If not them, who?

Of course, mall cops are not real cops, so the poor guy didn’t know that the mom was legally allowed to breastfeed, in public.

What else are malls for?

We grant you, there’s a fine line between a bunch of women taking off their tops and running around yelling hoogah hoogah hoogah and a mother breastfeeding her child. It’s a very fine line indeed, but clearly defined by law.

Don’t take our word for it — CLICK HERE for the real skinny on the subject.

The solution? A “nurse-in.” Here’s a quote from the story: “We’re going to go there, we’ll sit down in the food court and we’ll do what’s meant to be done in a food court — feed our kids.”

That’s right, a bunch of nursing mothers are planning a 1960s-style sit-in with added breastfeeding in protest, perhaps, of the antiquated and holier-than-thou outlooks of mall security guards everywhere.

Eight mothers have already signed up to take part in the milk-based protest.

So, what you’ll have is a bunch of young women taking (parts of) their tops off while their infant children make sucking noises in unison.

In the immortal words of Yakov Smirnoff, what a country!

May 23, 2011

Reporter admits she’s an idiot

by Me

It’s no laughing matter. As the New Haven Register reported, claims of inappropriate punishments spurred an investigation by child services agency DCF.

This woman is a member of the 4th Estate. Or 5th. Oh, I don't know, there's just too much to remember.

So, if you’re a reporter on LIVE TELEVISION, you might want to get the story straight. You might, say, know what the story is about before going on LIVE TELEVISION.

And, if you don’t, you might have to forgive your dreams of being a real reporter and go back to whatever your minor in college was.

UPDATE: As you can see below, YouTube removed the video at WTNH’s request, due to copyright violations. we think this is the absolute dumbest part of this story — a silly video like this, with the right promotion, could have gone viral garnering a heck of a lot of publicity for the channel. Can someone please remind WTNH that there’s no such thing as bad publicity?

We all remember the case of the reporter at the Grammys who suffered a stroke while on LIVE TELEVISION. Here it is again, in case you forgot:

But the reporter for WTNH didn’t suffer a stroke, or suffer from some neurological disorder. No, she just suffered from idiocy.

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May 23, 2011

Animals are stupid — vid of the week

by Me

We’re embarking on a new weekly segment we like to call “Animals are Stupid/Kids Are Dumb,” in which each week we’ll bring you a video that displays exactly how much smarter we humans are than our four-legged friends or, alternately, how much smarter adults are than children.

Here’s the first video in the series, showing how something as simple as ice can fool a cat. Enjoy!

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May 22, 2011

Texas: Noodling is OK by us — but bath salts? Hell no

by Me

At some point this week, there was a conversation in the Texas legislature that went something along these lines:

“Hey guys, let’s take a break from all this serious conversation about budgets and shortfalls and boring stuff like that to approve noodling.”

This guy probably lost his watch. Or that engagement ring he was going to give his sweetheart.

“Good idea.”

In Texas, one must assume, nobody asked, “What’s noodling?” The “sport,” and we use the term lightly, is apparently popular enough in the Lone Star State to warrant a serious discussion on the subject in the midst of a heated budgetary battle, as USA Today reported this week.

What, you’re not familiar with the phrase? Well … noodling is an idiotic, albeit ancient, way of catching catfish. You find a hole where the fish live, you stick your arm in the hole, and you wait for the fish to bite.

We here at DTOTW have no problem with ancient ways of hunting. Spears, bows and arrows, well-thrown rocks — these seem reasonable in our eyes. But there has to be a better way to catch a fish then using your own bits and pieces as bait. Until now, the sport has actually been illegal in the state, punishable by a $500 fine.

Imagine, if you will, a pair of cavemen from two different tribes. We’ll call them Caveman A and Caveman B. Far in the distance is a wooly mammoth, such as might feed their respective tribes for weeks. Do they, say, drop a boulder on the thing’s head? No. Throw a few spears and hope for the best? No.

Instead, the line of thinking follows thusly:

Caveman A: “Hey, look at that mammoth.”

Caveman B: “Big sucker.”

Caveman A: “Here’s an idea — go up to the mammoth and make a lot of noise. Then, when the thing charges, you kill it.”

Caveman B: “Great idea!”

Two guesses which tribe ended up living in Texas.

While we at DTOTW are all in favor of canoodling, when it comes to noodling we have to ask — you guys ever heard of a lure?

No, you’re not a real man until you’ve been elbow deep inside a live catfish.

In other Texas-based news, the legislature is, according to several news outlets, just about ready to ban bath salts.

This, however, is not as dumb as it sounds, as we are not referring to the which, milky beads that make bath time so luxurious. There is apparently a hallucinogenic drug known as “bath salts,” though we presume very few women in for a dainty bath get the two confused.

May 19, 2011

CDC warns against zombie attack

by Me

The Centers for Disease Control, is its Public Health Matters blog, has warned against the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, and offered methods of survival.

Really. Here’s what some of what Ali S. Khan wrote for the CDC yesterday:

“The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder ‘How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?'”

The real question is, which is more frightening, zombies or Michael Jackson?

The post goes on to list several common sense ways a zombie apocalypse might be survived, and “double tap,” one of the rules mentioned in the Woody Harrelson flick “Zombieland,” is not mentioned. The CDC tells the zombie-fearing populace to stockpile water, food and first aid supplies, to pick a meeting place and identify emergency contacts among other advice.

OK … so the nation’s top health and safety organization is offering an amusing way to spread the word on what to do during any natural disaster. It’s all a scam — the CDC isn’t REALLY worried about a zombie apocalypse. Khan is just trying to fool us.

“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.”

Of course, this does gloss over the only advice one can give in the event of a zombie attack — run. Well, almost. This is #4 on Khan’s list of things to do in the event of zombies:

“When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

But, Ali, there’s no where to run when zombie attack.

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