Archive for ‘Stupid sports’

May 25, 2011

Legislature OKs cow poop raffles

by Me

Importance, we now know, is relative. For some, the most important this is freedom. For some, that freedom means the freedom to bet on where a cow will poop without the government getting all involved.

Really.

What happens when the cow poops over several sqaures?

The Connecticut legislature this week, while weighing things like subsidized education for immigrants and, you know, boring stuff like that, took the time out to approve a change in how it regulates cow chip raffles.

As the Connecticut Mirror reported, a cow stands on a chalked grid and participants each buy a square. The cow does what cows do best and, depending on where nature calls, you might be a winner.

The best part of this story is how seriously legislators took the debate.

“If you are the person who bought a ticket in a cow chip raffle, you want to know how it’s being played,” Rep. Patricia Widlitz told the Mirror.

Your tax dollars hard at work.

The state statute that will be changed goes as follows: “Each organization intending to sponsor or conduct a cow-chip raffle shall furnish with its application, required pursuant to section 7-173, a cow-chip raffle plot plan displaying the land area to be utilized for such raffle and the numbered plots, each corresponding to a numbered cow-chip raffle ticket.

Which, translated from legalese, means that the state wanted a map of the plot of land on which the cows would poop. The legislature no longer seems to feel that such information is necessary for good governance.

The world’s going to Hell in a hand-basket. What’s next? Rules on duck races? Oh, wait — the same regulation applies there, too:

For the purpose of this subsection, “duck-race raffle” means a raffle in which artificial ducks, numbered consecutively to correspond with the number of tickets sold for such raffle, are placed in a naturally moving stream of water at a designated starting point and in which the ticket corresponding to the number of the first duck to pass a designated finishing point is the winning ticket.”

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May 22, 2011

Texas: Noodling is OK by us — but bath salts? Hell no

by Me

At some point this week, there was a conversation in the Texas legislature that went something along these lines:

“Hey guys, let’s take a break from all this serious conversation about budgets and shortfalls and boring stuff like that to approve noodling.”

This guy probably lost his watch. Or that engagement ring he was going to give his sweetheart.

“Good idea.”

In Texas, one must assume, nobody asked, “What’s noodling?” The “sport,” and we use the term lightly, is apparently popular enough in the Lone Star State to warrant a serious discussion on the subject in the midst of a heated budgetary battle, as USA Today reported this week.

What, you’re not familiar with the phrase? Well … noodling is an idiotic, albeit ancient, way of catching catfish. You find a hole where the fish live, you stick your arm in the hole, and you wait for the fish to bite.

We here at DTOTW have no problem with ancient ways of hunting. Spears, bows and arrows, well-thrown rocks — these seem reasonable in our eyes. But there has to be a better way to catch a fish then using your own bits and pieces as bait. Until now, the sport has actually been illegal in the state, punishable by a $500 fine.

Imagine, if you will, a pair of cavemen from two different tribes. We’ll call them Caveman A and Caveman B. Far in the distance is a wooly mammoth, such as might feed their respective tribes for weeks. Do they, say, drop a boulder on the thing’s head? No. Throw a few spears and hope for the best? No.

Instead, the line of thinking follows thusly:

Caveman A: “Hey, look at that mammoth.”

Caveman B: “Big sucker.”

Caveman A: “Here’s an idea — go up to the mammoth and make a lot of noise. Then, when the thing charges, you kill it.”

Caveman B: “Great idea!”

Two guesses which tribe ended up living in Texas.

While we at DTOTW are all in favor of canoodling, when it comes to noodling we have to ask — you guys ever heard of a lure?

No, you’re not a real man until you’ve been elbow deep inside a live catfish.

In other Texas-based news, the legislature is, according to several news outlets, just about ready to ban bath salts.

This, however, is not as dumb as it sounds, as we are not referring to the which, milky beads that make bath time so luxurious. There is apparently a hallucinogenic drug known as “bath salts,” though we presume very few women in for a dainty bath get the two confused.

May 6, 2011

Chickens don’t fly

by Me

“Fly like an eagle,” the song says, and from Daedelus onward flight has been the dream of mankind (and birdkind, we must assume).

Enter Yves Rossy, the Swiss-born lunatic who decided not to let mere physics get in the way of achieving that dream. Rossy is known as the “JetMan,” thanks to his winged jet pack, and a complete lack of imagination on the part of whoever gave him the moniker.

But Rossy came up against a stunt that was too stupid even for a man who straps a jet engine to his butt — Rossy had planned to fly over the Grand Canyon, garnering a media buzz, but apparently then decided something along the lines of, “What the Hell am I thinking?” and backed out at the last minute.

Now let’s give the man his due — Rossy had previously flown from England to France successfully, using his rocket-powered death trap. And, to be clear, he doesn’t start from the ground — he jumps out of a helicopter, which we think is kind of cheating.

The Grand Canyon flight was to bee a bit more dramatic. He had planned to spend 15 minutes up in the air, just to stick it to all of us ground-burdened slugs, doing whatever kind of acrobatics he dared to do.

So, why, after so much success did Rossy decide the Grand Canyon flight was not to be? He says he didn’t have enough time to train, which is strange (and probably code for “I chickened out”) considering that he’s been talking about the flight for years.

In added dumbness, the FAA actually approved the 51-year-old’s flight, in what must have been the regulatory version

of “We dare you.”

Check out a video of Rossy’s completely unnecessary skill below.

UPDATE: The Jetman has proved the title of this article incorrect. As Swissinfo reports, Rossy has completed his task and actually flown across the Grand Canyon. At 8,000 feet or so, Rossy dropped out of a helicopter, and flew across and above the rim of the canyon at 190 miles per hour for about eight minutes.

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April 27, 2011

The first ever basketball game played on an aircraft carrier

by Me

Talk about dumb.

Michigan State and the University of North Carolina will play, on Nov. 11, the first-ever NCAA basketball game on an aircraft carrier.

And this makes sense how?

Though no ship has been confirmed, it looks like the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan will pay host to the game, intended to honor servicemen and women.

And this isn’t a new idea — the “Carrier Classic,” as the game is being called, has been mulled around since 2009. And in all that time, nobody, not one person woke up one morning and said to themselves, “Wait a minute, Why are we doing this?”

Of all the ways to honor those in the military — oh, I don’t know, like giving them the training, tools and support they need to succeed in their jobs, providing adequate medical care after their tours of duty are completed or (just a shot in the dark here) putting a sensible limit on the number tours of duty one can serve — where does this idea really make it onto the list?

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