Archive for ‘Dumb Movies’

February 10, 2014

Pirates, and the dumb thing Youtubers are doing to James Norrington

by Me

Meet Jack Davenport.

"Hello, ladies."

“Hello, ladies.”

Jack Davenport, like many actors, has been typecast … sort of.

If you recognize Jack, it’s probably not because of the little seen film “Pirate Radio” (called “The Boat that Rocked” on the other side of the pond because the Brits are cool). Davenport plays a guy unfortunately named Twatt, whose job it is to run around and chase these hippie pirate radio DJs, searching for a way to keep rock ‘n’ roll out of as-yet untainted British ears.

No, if you recognize Jack Davenport, it’s probably from his roll in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise in which he played a guy whose job it was to run around chasing, you know, pirates.

That’s right. Jack Davenport: Pirate chaser.

What is it about this guy that has movie producers think of him when they need someone douchey to chase pirates? Is there something about him we don’t know (or want to)?

I just imagine the scene after a casting call. Hundreds of actors have gone home unemployed, and a director is sitting around (in parachute pants) fearing that his whole movie is kaput.

“What are we going to do?” he asks. “I’ve got Russell Brand to play One-Eyed Willie in my Goonies prequel, but who will play the soldier guy whose job it is to run Willie down?”

“I’ve got it!” the casting director says with a snap of his fingers. “Let’s get Jack Davenport!”

Davenport, to his credit, does an awesome job as Twatt (though his character seems closed, maybe a bit dry and uninviting … sorry) and gives an exceptional performance as Commodore Norrington, so, um, good job, completely unrelated casting director people.

There’s also this supremely dumb trend of putting clips of Davenport-as-Norrington to various pieces of music. I’ve pasted one above, but will spare you the rest.

Bonus: Those of you who have seen the Pirates films will remember Davy Jones, the octopus-faced villain in the second and third movies. Played by the great Bill Nighy, the astute movie junkie will not care at all to learn the following…

Nighy was the voice of The Network in the absolutely hilarious Simon Pegg/Nick Frost vehicle “The World’s End.”

Nighy was also, as we’ve already mentioned, in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” which means Nighy is probably the only actor in history to be in two completely different movies called “World’s End.”

Eh. Nevermind. Just, um, one question:

July 14, 2013

Sharknado: Everything that’s wrong with society in one made-up word

by Me

Sharknado. Or perhaps we should write it, #Sharknado.

If you have zero idea what a sharknado is, count yourself lucky and click away, dear reader — click away and save your very soul.

Still here? OK…

“Sharknado” is, assuming you don’t already know and are a weird, masochistic glutton for cultural punishment, a SyFy channel original movie in which, thanks to the help of a massive storm, thousands of man-eating great whites come raining down, mouths agape, upon an unsuspecting populace.


Here at DTOTW, we believe this heralds the coming of the apocalypse. When the trailer, below, premiered Twitter was, well, all a-twitter with the news. The story was covered by National Public Radio, among other respectable news outlets. Will Wheaton got into the act, as did Newark, N.J. Mayor Cory Booker.

Sharknado is a designed-to-be-bad movie featuring terrible actors — all apologies to Ms. Tara Reid, whose recent portrayal of Lady Macbeth at London’s Globe theater we heard was positively divine (not really). And yet folks — intelligent, successful, talented people (some of them, anyway) — line up to be a part of the fun.

The movie will do very well. People will tune in by the millions, knowing full well that it’s going to be unwatchable.

Now, we are not the first to suggest that filmmakers are following the “Snakes on a Plane” formula, combining two frightening things into one horrible amalgam of idiocy.

But “Snakes on a Plan” should have been the end. When, dear God, will it stop? Tarantulacane? ZombieNaziquake (in which the ground opens up to allow swarms of zombified Nazis the chance to take over San Diego)?

Now, the odd thing is, a sharknado is a real possibility. Not likely, per se, but possible. It has happened. There is, for example, a town in the Philippines that dealt with a rain of fish as recently as last year. Hell, there’s a burg in Honduras that has an annual festival devoted to fish-rain.

And, lo, the people gazed toward Heaven as the rivers ran with maple syrup and fish did fly as birds, and the people knew the end was nigh.


April 26, 2011

Altoona changes its name

by Me

It was reported today that the Pennsylvania city of Altoona will change its name — officially — to “POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.”

Morgan Spurlock, as he is best known.


It’s the title of Morgan Spurlock’s latest film, it’s a commentary on shameless advertising practices and it will only last 60 days, but it’s also the dumbest thing I’ve heard yet today.

If you need to actually change the name of a freaking town to get your point across, maybe it’s not a point that needs to be made.

It’s not the first time a town has changed its name to make a bit of scratch — Hot Springs, New Mexico changed its name to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico a while back, but look how well it worked out for them. Now nobody remembers what the heck Truth or Consequences was (a game show) and nobody’s heading to the town for the pleasant hot springs.

Granted, “Altoona” is a pretty dumb name, too.

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